


deny, deny, deny

by Knightblazer



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cas/Dean Unrequited Love, Drabble, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s07e17 Born Again Identity, M/M, POV Second Person, Season/Series 07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-27
Updated: 2012-03-27
Packaged: 2017-11-02 14:21:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/369932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knightblazer/pseuds/Knightblazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Our friends are all dead.</i> (Coda to 7.17, <b>spoilers</b> abound)</p>
            </blockquote>





	deny, deny, deny

**Author's Note:**

> Just watched 7.17 twice, and there are FEELINGS about it in general so I am getting them out. Spoilers abound, so be warned. Title of this comes from [31_days](http://31-days.livejournal.com), with the prompt for 5th April 2011.

_Our friends are all dead._

That's what you tell Sam after everything. Sam, who's okay again and back on his feet. Sam, who no longer has the devil haunting him every single time. Sam, who's back only after you've found Cas—and then promptly lost him again.

After what happened in Bootbock, to Bobby, to Frank... you know you've long given up hope already, only keeping yourself together so that Sam has a reason to keep on trying, keep on _fighting_ and keep himself sane for as long as he can. But when all hope was gone and you have nobody to turn to, he suddenly pops back into your life and you don't even know what to do. You don't know if its a lucky break or even 'destiny' or some other thing entirely, but you'll take what you can get. Even if he doesn't remember who he is, doesn't know that he's _Cas_... he's alive, and he's alright, and you know you'll be happy with that fact. That's more than enough for you.

But.

You know that Sam isn't convinced with what you said to him, but he's too tired to argue with you and is asleep for the first time since what seems to be forever—a fact that you're glad for, because if anything that's the sure way to know that Sam's okay again. You're awake though, restless and troubled as you try to not think about Cas. Cas, who was gone but now returned; Cas, who came back but then scarified himself again to bring Sam back from the throes of insanity and took his place instead. Maybe in another time and in another place, you would have said that he deserved it. He's the one who brought Sam's wall down in the first place—so its fitting that he has to suffer what Sam had in these last months, almost the whole of last _year_.

The thing is that you know better than that. Cas doesn't deserve this, doesn't deserve this thing that he's taken onto himself because of you, because _for_ you (from rebelling against Heaven to stopping the Apocalypse and even getting Sam back—everything, everything had always been for you and you know that too) and you hate that more than anything else. He took the madness into himself and now you've just gone and left him there with _Meg_. It's not fair, it's not what he deserves and you know this, but yet its so much easier to just take things like this and simply look the other way instead.

_Our friends are all dead._

Its so much easier to go with that than to think of the alternatives that pop up, because to think of those will do nothing but make you remember about chances and regrets and apologies that come far too slowly and arrive far too late for you to hear and say.


End file.
